The Mother, the Maid and the Hag in downtown Ankh-Morpork

I don't know quite what happened! I was supposed to zero in on sixteenth century Berkshire, England, but instead, found myself stumbling around in the dark, in some stinky alternate reality behind a place called "The Mended Drum" on Dwarves Night. Apparently six nights of the week, the place allows trolls in, but in the interests of keeping enough furniture to sit on, and drink off, they have separate nights when dwarves or trolls (or the undead, or what-have-you) are not allowed in. So the barkeep gives me this funny look (I stand head and shoulders above most of the drinking clientele who aren't so much drinking as sloshing it, and singing) but I still get my half-pint anyway which seems to take the paint off my throat and while I'm trying to be inconspicuous in a corner this small person who goes by Tor Stronginthearm nearly nails me with a throwing axe and insists that I join in the singing, unless I'm a troll-fancier!
X:70 % number
T:Gold! Gold! Gold! % title
C:Eodric Shortensweet (aka Myscha Aiken) % composer
O:Songs from The Gold Mind % origin.
N:Rests may be punctuated by clinksloshing tankards
N:Of authentic Dwarf ale, thumping on tables, banging
N:Of tankards on tables, or throwing things.
N:With acknowledgements to Terry Pratchett's Discworld
N:Sagas, without which this would never have happened.
M:4/4 % meter
L:1/4 % length of shortest note
Q: % tempo
K:F % key
V:1 % voice 1
"F"FCFC | "F"AGF z | "Bb"BG "F"AF | "C7"GFE z |
w:Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! "F"FCFC | "F"AGF z | "Bb"BG "F"AF | "C7"GC "F"F2 |]
w: Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold!

It was after this, that three ladies entered the bar, one of whom later insisted on teaching the dwarves the song "The Hedgehog can never be buggered at all", and how to play "Cripple Mister Onion". (I found out later that the singing tutor was Mistress "Nanny" Ogg (with her disreputable cat, Greebo), and her companions, Granny Weatherwax and Magrat Garlick).

X:2
T:The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All % title
C:Eodric Shortensweet (Myscha Aiken) % composer
O:Songs from the Gold Mind % origin.
M:3/4 % meter
L:1/4 % length of shortest note
Q:240 % tempo
K:F % key
V:1 % voice 1
"F" z A B | c A B | c d e | f e d | c2 "C" A |
w:If you're need-ing some help, give the squir-rels a call, in
B G B | "F" A F A | "D" G A =B | "C" c2 "F" A/ B/ |
w:Sum-mer or Spring, but they're bus-y in Fall, but don't
c A B | c d e | f e d | c2 "C" A/ c/ |
w:both-er the hedge-hog, you'll hit a brick wall, for the
B G B | "D" A F "F" D | C D E | F2 z |]
w:hedge-hog can nev-er be bug-gered at all.
W:
W:Everybody knows dogs
W:love to play with a ball
W:If you reach for the leash they're right there in the hall
W:but the hedgehog's disdain
W:is inclined to appal
W:for the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
W:
W:If you fall in a heap
W:you can count on a sheep
W:to have you back up on your feet standing tall
W:but the hedgehog, it seems
W:is in apathy's thrall,
W:for the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
W:
W:You should know that a horse
W:Will support you of course,
W:And will give of his best though he stumble and fall,
W:But a hedgehog would rather
W:Remain in his stall,
W:For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Towards midnight the few humans remaining in the bar gravitated to the ladies' table where I learned another of the popular songs in the city of Ankh-Morpork: A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End...

X:3
T:A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End % title
C:Myscha Aiken % composer
O: % origin.
M:3/4 % meter
L:1/4 % length of shortest note
Q:240 % tempo
P:ABA
K:F % key
V:1 % voice 1
P:A (VERSE) "F" z z C | F2 F | F F d | c A G | F2 A | "C" B2 c | d2 e | "F" f2 z |
w:1.A wiz-ard's staff has a knob on the end and runes run up the shaft, It's
w:2.A wiz-ard's staff has a knob on the end, Some are made from thinking wood,
z z C | F2 F | F2 d | c A G | F G A | "C" B2 A | G F E | "F" F2 z ||
w:1.long and proud and sti-ff and loud, It's the pride of wi-z-ard-craft._
w:2.With~a sapi-ent pear you'd be out to there, And you'd go blind, yes_ you would._
P:B (CHORUS)
z z C | "F" F2 F | F F d | c A G | F2 A | "C" G E D | C2 "F" C | D C A | F2 C |
w:A Wiz-ard's staff has a knob on the end, a knob on the end, a knob on the end, A
A F2 F | F F d | c A G | F2 "C" A | G A G | C D E | "F" F2 F ||
w:Wiz-ard's staff has a knob on the end, and what he does with it is ma-gic!
W:A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
W:That looks like a silver nut
W:If you start to bleat when he's taken your seat
W:He'll crack it up your butt.
W:
W:(Chorus.)
W:
W:A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
W:And the odd frog knows it's true
W:When your staff has a bend then the spell you send
W:Can fly right back at you.
W:
W:(Chorus)
W:
W:A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
W:Most useful if they knew it
W:It's just that fem isn't magical to them
W:So they never ever do it.
W:
W:(Chorus)
W:
W:(last verse maestro please)
W:A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
W:And you may think it's tragic
W:That no matter how strong or thick or long
W:All he can do with it is magic.
W:
W:(Chorus)
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